You didn't really think I'd post a picture of host, Jude Law, did you?

…Gattaca!  I was going to say Gattaca!  Or A.I.!  Anyway, let’s begin.

Former Congressman Massa Exit Interview (Cold Open)
One of the better opens in a while.  Mostly because the true story was already absurdly comical. Kristen Wiig Counter: 1

Jude Law’s Monologue
It’s funny that Ashlee Simpson’s infamous musical performance happened during his last hosting gig.  That’s it.  Nothing else was funny.

Toyota, Um, Ford Spoof Commercial?
Since people actually died, I’m not sure I feel about– wait, wait… I’m rather indifferent either way.

Secret Word Game Show
Wiig and Law sure do commit to their characters.  Wiig Counter: 2

Broadview Security Commercial
My crush on Nasim Pedrad is growing because of this fake commercial.  Yeah… just my crush.

This is not from Maxim.

Killer Spanish Restaurant
I like it when SNL has actual Actors! because they try harder.  So I guess what I’m saying is that Jude Law is a lot like Avis.

Boombox – Digital Short
One of the few songs off of Incredibad not to get a video finally gets a video.  All I can say is this: I didn’t know the lead singer of The Strokes looked like that.  Didn’t he used to be a model or something?

Pearl Jam’s First Performance
People in high school used to say my friend, Brandon, looked like Eddie Vedder.  He didn’t, and it was really only his girlfriend that perpetuated that idea, but it made me not like Pearl Jam, even (flow) though I liked a lot of their music.  I didn’t come to terms with my being a fan until I saw them perform at Lollapalooza.  I guess what I’m getting at is this: Eddie, I’m sorry for all the wasted years of disinterest.

Weekend Update
The Whoopi Goldberg pee pad commercial was addressed (when I was trying to forget it), and Jerry Seinfeld was on in a Really!?! segment (which made me miss Amy Poehler).  Man, is The Marriage Ref awful, or what?

Twilight Zone Spoof
A riff on the classic Nightmare at 20,000 Feet episode seems like it should have been done a long time ago, but that made it no less enjoyable.  I’m already nominating this as the best skit of the nightmare, I mean, night.

SIDENOTE: I really wish I could find out which performer writes which skit, because again, I have a sneaking feeling Padrid wrote this.  Here’s my supporting evidence:

• It has an odd pop-culture reference like the Smash Mouth skit a couple weeks ago…
• Padrid was featured in prominent roles in both bits…
• That’s it…

Hamlet Try-Outs
First, they double-dipped on Massa (cold open/Really!?!).  Now they did it with Law’s performance in Hamlet (see also: monologue… on second thought – don’t)?  At least there were some decent impersonations.

Kickspit Underground Rock Festival
Yes!  I loved this last time I saw it! Can’t wait for this new– oh.  It’s the same one… Still funny.  Mostly because of Ass Dan.

Pearl Jam’s Second Performance
I’m not going on a diatribe this time.  I only want to add one thing, though, while I’m thinking of it.  Three days of the same thing can really take a toll on you.  Of course, I’m speaking of Lollapalooza.  Now I’m not saying I wouldn’t attend again, but I haven’t attended since I went that last time.  It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy the scene.  The Chicago heat was unbearable that August, and I didn’t dare to drink out of fear of dehydration.  Oops.  Diatribe.

Court Stenographer
It seems a bit soon for this character’s return (even though I don’t remember who hosted last time), but it still makes me smile for some reason.  Wiig Counter: only, amazingly 3

Talk Show With Ravish
People cheered like this was a recurring skit, but I think it was because the set was shaking.  More annoying than anything.  Except for the Jay Leno Walking With Ravish… kinda.

Overall Episode: C-
This Review: B+

Back in the day, but not the Bronx days...

We Are the World 3 Benefit for We Are the World 2 Disaster (Cold Open)
By far, one of the best cold opens in a while, mostly because I agreed with it (and was equally late on the criticism). Wiig Counter: 1

Jennifer Lopez’s Monologue
I was surprised at how hot J-Lo looked.  I wasn’t surprised that the audience response wasn’t that warm.

ESPN Classic – Ladies Curling
One of Will Forte’s best characters is Greg Stink.  Come to think of it – it is his best, because I can’t think of any others.  Wiig Counter: 2

Digital Short – Flags of the World
Awesome and requires repeated viewings.  Especially to figure out the “I like to hit people with my car” subtitle.  And also because of adorable Abby Elliott.  Will post as soon as available.

Hollywood Dish
I’m not too into this bit normally, but this one had its moments.  And none of those moments belonged to J-Lo.  (Spit take was a win.  Also, the “I like to hit people with my car” subtitle finally makes sense!) Wiig Counter: 3

Telemundo Olympic Coverage
For the record, Jenny Slate’s Spanish accent is muy terrible.  Lopez and Fred Armison’s reaction to the “unfinished” ski jump was pretty funny, as was their reaction to people living in Vancouver, and curling not being shuffleboard.  Bobby Moynihan as a man-child armed with a pie earns this skit bonus points.

Undercover Celebrity Boss
I love the original show, and this was a clever riff. Wiig Counter: 4

Lopez’s First Performance
Usually I approve of singers (and athletes and politicians) playing Actors! on SNL, but the other way is indulgent.  Couple that with the fact that despite having a few “hits” under her belt, I will never consider Jenny from the Block an actual musician.  She’s an Actor! that sings (pitchy on the high notes), and even though she was better than, say, Ashley Simpson, merely by singing live, that didn’t stop her label from dropping her… only two days ago.

(SIDENOTE: Kudos to her performing despite that fact.  Double kudos to her ass hopefully keeping Kim Kardashian’s buxom behind as far away from this show as possible.)

BTW… fuck NBC for their Tonight Show with Jay Leno ads.  This one, I approve:

Weekend Update
Some of the jokes were pretty easy, but aren’t they always?  Something not as easy – for Armison’s (blind New York governor) David Patterson impersonation, they have to hold his cue cards off to the side to complete his “wonky eye” effect.

Univision’s Besos Y Lagrimas
Or in English, “Kisses and Tears” (don’t be impressed – I Babelfished it).  It was as over-the-top as I would have expected, and did expect.  As is the tradition with these type of skits.  (It is a thirty-five year old show after all.  Not that thirty-five is that old…)  Wiig Counter: 5

Romance in the Copy Room
Despite being frowned upon by the masses – and even by me at times – Kenan Thompson has a few fun characters in his repertoire.  This is his second best after What Up Wit’ Dat? The sliding in and out works quite well.

Lopez’s Second Performance
All I can think about during this performance is the fact that her comeback song was supposed to be Louboutins (a song about shoes) and how she fell during her first performance of it at the AMA’s.  A weird feeling is coming over me while watching her sing.  Is it pity?  Is it compassion?  I think it’s hunger.

Smashmouth Attacks!
Bravo!  The best of the night, at least as far as ideas go.  I have to wonder if Nasim Pedrad wrote this bit, and if she did, she needs to write more.  Oops on the boom microphone in the shot.

Car Horns and More
When I was a kid, my sibs and I made an audio tape version of SNL (because we did not have a camcorder, you see).  This is the type of skit we made.  Doesn’t mean I didn’t smile.

Closet Organizer
Was this a new commercial?  No.  They showed it, like, an episode or two ago.  Wiig Counter: 6 (barely)

FINAL DECISION: I’d rank this somewhere between January Jones and Charles Barkley’s appearances.  And I’m surprised I didn’t hate on the Wedding Planner that much.

Star Wars was a good movie...

Gaddafi Cold Open
Fred Armison’s portrayal of the Libyan leader isn’t difficult, but that doesn’t make the jokes about his UN ramblings any less funny.

New Opening Footage
Wow.  There’s not too many ladies there anymore.  But the lovely Abby Elliott looked lovely.

Megan Fox’s Monologue
Not too bad.  Mostly due to my having low expectations.

Fake Bladdivan Commercial
As a victim of chronic shy-bladder syndrome, I found this bit a bit easy.  Squirt guns? In a commercial about peeing?  Hilarious, right?

Real Starbucks Via Commercial
Can’t believe they brought up town hall shouters already…

Real Oreo Commercial
Yay for Darrell Hammond getting to spoof Donald Trump in Donald Trump’s presence!  Boo Eli Manning, for no reason.  Albeit I still gotta give him props for toppling Tom Brady.

Bad News Flight Attendants
Opened funny, via Abby and Andy Samberg. Maintained absurd humor throughout.  Liked Megan’s performance.  Plus, the return of the Kristen Wiig Counter: 1

Russian Brides
Svetlana and Katya are the brides-to-be. Svetlana is played by Fred; Katya is played by Megan.  Svetlana is $10 cheaper.  Will Forte has a hard time deciding between the two.  I decided it was comical enough.

Digital Short
Weird mismatched couple’s date is, um, weird.  But I’m beginning to think Megan has talent.  Not a classic by any means, but the performances elevated it to smile-worthy.

Grady Wilson’s Burning Up the Bedsheets
Kenan Thompson’s first appearance is a bit lewd.  Surprisingly lewd.  But surprisingly silly, to the point that I did laugh.

U2′s First Performance
Does their longevity in the music industry have to do with their talent, or the fact that l33t became mainstream through IMing, texting, and now Tweeting?

(SIDENOTE: I just noticed the 35 in SNL’s logo.  Man, Lorne Michaels must be old.)

Weekend Update
It’s strange to watch this without Amy Poehler, especially since she was there on Thursday… Kristen still impresses the hell out of me with her Judy Grimes… just-kidding.  Wiig Counter: 2

Live Lounge
Spoof of modern phone sex lines that’s spot-on AKA easy. Wiig Counter: 3

U2′s Second Performance
…is background noise to me right now.  I just was trying to update my iPhone so it would have MMS (pictures in text messages), and it crashed and had to restore – to an earlier backup!  I need to figure out how to get back a bunch of shit I bought!

Biker Chick Chat
New girl’s skit.  New Wayne’s World? Probably not.  DID SHE JUST SAY FUCKING?!  Rewind.  YES!  At least we know it’s live… Wiig Counter: 4

Digital Short (another one?)
Optimus Prime is Megan’s roommate.  Or is he?  Best skit of the night.  Save doucheBAG… BAG = Brian Austin Green Not a coincidence, me thinks…

Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Finish Getting Ready
Probably how it would go down in real life. Kristen sells it, as usual, and increases her Wiig Counter to 6.  Wait, it’s only 5? Slow night.  But conversely, Megan was in almost all – a rarity for hosts, it seems, and amazingly, she’s held her own

FINAL DECISION: Not as strong as last season’s John Malkovich’s episode, but better than most.  Why is Bono swinging around on a microphone?  And how much is new girl’s fricking FUCK gonna cost?

http://www.coveritlive.com/index.php?option=com_altcaster&task=siteviewaltcast&altcast_code=bc227e562a&height=550&width=470

Here are the skits and five people’s opinions of them:

COLD OPEN – The Secretary of Treasury talks about the failure of our economy.  $420 billion goes to the individual that can solve the banking crisis problem.

1. Chris – “Can I fast forward this skit?”
2. Venessa (who laughed at insurance companies insuring houses that are on fire comment, for some reason) – “She thinks Tracey Jordan’s theory from 30 Rock works – Panic!”
3. Richie – “Not funny.”
4. Jess – No comment.  Kept getting up to check on her microwaved Chinese food.
5. Sean – “I laughed… enough.”

OPENING MONOLOGUE

1. Chris – “Really?  This is his third time?”
2. Jess – “He looks too skinny.”
3. Venessa – “Yeah, it makes his head looks to big.”
4. Richie – “His neck’s still huge, though.  And what’s with that tattoo?”
5. Sean – “Yay!  Abby Elliott!  And who’s that chick on the far left?”

MACGRUBER (Part 1)

1. Venessa – “Yes, MacGyver!”
2. Jess – (possibly passed out)
3. Richie – “He’s from Detroit.”
4. Chris – “Fast forward through the commercials.”
5. Sean – “Yay! Abby Elliott!”

PRESIDENT OBAMA “GET ANGRY”

1. Venessa – “The Rock Hulk!” (she enjoyed it the most)
2. Jess laughed (she did not pass out) – “He looks like a vampire.”
3. Chris – “Is.  Barack Obama.  That easy.  Of an.  Impression.  To do.”
4. Richie laughed throughout, but not continuously
5. Sean – “Wiig Counter: 3″

MACGRUBER (Part 2)

1. Venessa – “Look how hideous he is.”  (in reference to Richard Dean Anderson)
2. Chris – “It’s okay.”
3. Jess is fading out
4. Richie – “It was kind of funny… the whole daddy’s issue thing.”
5. Sean – “Yay! Abby!  Wiig Counter: 4″

ACTIVIA WITH JAMIE LEE CURTIS

1. Chris – “I love Kristen Wiig.”
2. Venessa – “She’d shit all day.” (in reference to coffee, cigarettes, and Activia intake mentioned by Abby)
3. Venessa (laughing) – “Take Number 2.”
4. Richie laughed at the yawning/pooping reference
5. Sean – “Jess passed out.”

HAWAIIAN SKIT

1. Chris – “He looks really thin there.”  (in reference to Brian Moynahan this time)
2. Venessa – “Sean’s blogging and not drinking his forty.”
3. Sean – “I’m doing both.”
4. Richie laughed at the “I got lei-d” comment.  Venessa – “Not funny.”
5. Chris – “Is she (Abby) going to be in every skit?”
6. Venessa – “I hope so.”
7. Sean drank his forty

MACGRUBER (Part 3)

1. His dad’s a friggin’ butthole line in the song made everyone laugh.
2. Sean drank his forty.
3. Venessa – “Can they show butts on TV?”
4. Sean – “They showed his butt a couple weeks ago.”

RAY LAMONTAGNE SINGS

1. Venessa – “Have I heard of this guy?”
2. Sean – “He’s on the River.”
3. Venessa – “Grrr… satellite radio!  I loved the River!”
4. Chris wanted to fast-forward, but Richie and Venessa wanted to keep watching, so we did

WEEKEND UPDATE

1. Venessa – “That’s so true.” (in reference to AIG building a $15 billion toilet to flush $15 billion down it)
2. Sean – “That’s just like the Cartman swearing bit in the South Parkmovie.” (re: zapper on the RNC spokesman Michael Steele’s head, at 1:15 mark)
3. Richie and Venessa really enjoyed “Cathy” bit… Jess and Chris chimed in when Justin Timberlake appeared
4. Sean – “I didn’t even know Cathy was married in the comics.”
5. Sean – “Was that Jessica Biel playing Jessica Rabbit?”
6. Richie and Venessa liked D.O.A./Denny’s joke and burning green Escorts jokes… a lot, as well as Bon Jovi opposite band: Jon Bovi (they sing “Alive and Dead,” for example)
7. Richie – “Jon Bovi was the best thing yet.”

GAME TIME WITH DAVE AND GREG

1. Venessa  – “He’s an alien all right!” (in reference to Greg speaking funny)
2. Laughs were shared by all.
3. Sean drank his forty.
4. Venessa – “That’s true!” (when a caller said Greg didn’t age in his pictures)
5. Sean – “That was pretty good.”
6. Venessa – “That was stupid.”

DONALD TRUMP/CELEBRITY APPRENTICE NBC COMMERCIAL

1. Venessa pointed at Sean in reference to Trump saying he hit high marks in the 35 douchebag demo
2. Sean – “I haven’t watched it… yet.”
3. Sean – “Who’s Fred Armison supposed to be?”
4. Venessa – “I don’t know.”

RAY LAMONTAGNE SINGS AGAIN

1. Venessa – “I liked him so much I’ll watch him again.”
2. Richie – “He has a very unique voice.”
3. Sean – “I gotta pee real quick.”
4. Chris has officially passed out… snoring
5. Richie – “What time does the time change?”
6. Venessa – “2am.”
7. Jess (stirring) – “That sucks.”

LIGHTHOUSE OPERATORS

1. Venessa enjoyed the splashing water on the shipwrecked victims
2. Venessa also predicted the Clapper being installed in the lighthouse
3. Sean – “Wiig Counter: I lost count.”
4. Chris snored more.
5. Sean - “I can’t believe they referenced a BJ.”

Fallon: So, uh, you getting Jay’s old dressing room?

Conan: Leno’s not leaving.

He rolled with the audience pretty well during his monologue, which consisted of SNL Weekend Update-like soundbite jokes.  (The Roots also participated in Slow Jamming the News.  Their performance made me think they’re showing up strictly for a steady paycheck.  I’ll chalk their awkwardness up to inexperience on live late night talk shows.  It’s been awhile since Max Weinberg started on Conan O’Brien - perhaps he was just as awkward.  Wait.  He always looked awkward and played it to great effect.)

Target Demographic: Blonde Mothers, a taped bit, was pretty funny.  I just can’t recall any “highlights.”  Boosh!

Lick It For Ten was a dumb game show where three audience members licked a lawnmower, an all-in-on printer, and a fishbowl (complete with goldfish!) for ten bucks.  I guess Conan had his share of lame concepts, but he learned to play off the lameness for extra humor.  Fallon’s still in SNL mode, but maybe he’ll get there.

(Rihanna in a commercial for Cover Girl?  Too soon to joke?)

His first guest was Robert Deniro and he made some early jokes at Deniro’s expense, with Deniro’s involvement, of course.  Deniro’s not the most glib of interviewees, but Fallon did way more talking than interviewing.  They even ripped off an old joke from SNL gag where they impersonated each other.  But I’ll forgive him, and time will tell how he’ll do with other guests.

Space Train, a short sketch if I ever saw one, was funny.  It was a clip from an “unreleased movie” starring the pair.  Fallon’s character was afraid to fly into space, and Deniro was the space train’s conductor.  This paragraph is longer than the bit.

His second guest was Justin Timberlake.  Much better.  Too much revelling in the old SNL days, and not enough interview again.  But I can’t wait for The Phone - JT’s new MTV show where people get phone calls and their lives are turned upside down for 24 hrs. to win $50,000.  A car blows up in the preview – SOLD!

(FYI: JT also does a mean John Mayer and Michael McDonald impression, even if he’s singing about Bud Light Lime.)

Last guest – Van Morrison.  Good if you think Van Morrison is good.  Is he the Brown Eyed Girl guy?  Looked it up.  Yes he is.

Early predictions for the show:

• Fallon will probably get better as time goes on.
• His sketches will probably get more tongue-in-cheek, than tongue-on-lawnmower.
• The Roots will leave the show six months from now.

The quote in the title refers to probably Ben’s most deadpan lines ever.  When asked by Jack what will happen to the rest of the passengers on the plane ride to doomsville a.k.a. The Island, Ben utters, “Who cares?”

Last night’s episode, “316,” was the best of the season so far, and here’s a few reasons why:

• The Oceanic 6 are now the Ajira 5 (maybe more, maybe less)… and they’re back on Oahu The Island.
• Ms. Hawking (Dan Faraday’s Ma, ‘natch) explained a little miniscule bit about how the Dharma Initiative finds said other place.
• Frank Lapidus is back!  I saw Jeff Fahey’s name in the credits, but I wouldn’t have expected him to be piloting Flight 316.  Been a big fan of the Lawnmower Man since his days as The Marshal.  Always happy to see him.
• Loved the opening shot on Jack’s opening eye!  Of course, it’s an homage to the pilot episode/movie (and early seasons).
• John Locke gave Jack an “I told you so” of sorts from beyond, via a letter he wrote before committing s-u-i-c-i-d-e?!
• And the closing shot of Jin, driving Hurley’s pre-beat-up, pre-repair-job minibus (actually, it was Ben’s Dad’s van, a.k.a. Workman)… in the past?

Overall, it’s great when shows like this get back to basics – especially when this show gets back to basics (like halfway through Season 3 after the mess that was Season 2).

Now for the SILLY THEORIES portion of our show.

• Who beat up Ben?  Answer: the missing 6th member of the Oceanic 6 – lil’ Aaron.
• What did Sayid do to get arrested and brought aboard in the same fashion as Kate?  He shoplifted the pooty.
• How did Hurley know about the flight?  Well, this is kind of serious, but I’d guess Charlie the Friendly Ghost.  I said “kinda.”
• And finally, will Jeff Fahey and Matthew Fox unite to star in We Are the Marshal?  One can only dream.